Nurturing Intimacy in The Marital Bedroom – How Can Whores Help?
Whores exist to sell sex, there’s no “intimacy” involved, everyone knows that!
Wrong my darlings, wrong.
Whores may sell sex, but they give intimacy – they use their knowledge, skills and bodies to guide their clients into a place of deep intimacy.
Humans are hard wired to need both sex and intimacy. All of us, men and women, need lives filled with sex and intimacy to thrive physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
Sadly there is a distinct lack of both in the world at the moment. Sex seems to be everywhere – it’s certainly all over our computer and television screens – but screen sex is to sex what MacDonald’s is to food – it might taste good as you eat it but as soon as you have finished your meal you begin to feel queasy and long term use will slowly destroy all vitality you ever had in your body.
Real sex, the sex that is nourishing for your body, mind and soul is increasingly rare and I would suggest that is because intimacy is also increasingly rare.
Let me begin by explaining what I mean when I use the word “intimacy”.
Intimacy is derived from the Latin “intimus” meaning “innermost” or “deepest”. Applicable both to your deep feelings for another person, and an innermost/deepest experience within yourself. In other words, intimacy is the word given to the deep connection you are able to make both within yourself and with others.
However, and there is a big, painful, however. Intimacy can only be experienced when there are no blocks to intimacy in an individual or a couple. And what blocks intimacy? One word. Fear.
Fundamentally, you are only able to experience intimacy (with self or others) to the same extent that you are free from fear within yourself and with others. Intimacy requires that you feel safe within yourself and with others.
Sadly, sex which can be a powerful means to build intimacy, is very often riddled with fear.
From a young age our minds are filled with fear around sex by anxious parents, awful (if existing) sex-ed in schools, The Church (and other places of worship), the media, big pharma (peddling their expensive and toxic drugs), our friends and wider society – all telling us that sex is something that is difficult, dangerous and harmful. So that by the time many (maybe most) of us reach the age when we start feeling sexual stirrings we are not only ignorant, but also terrified, about how to act upon them.
Our bodies carry yet more fear. 1,000s of years of shit sex alone have traumatised the collective feminine. Trauma is carried through our bodies intergenerationally. The egg that became my daughter was in me when I was inside my mother’s womb so that any trauma my mother experienced, sexual or otherwise, was imprinted not only in me, but also in my daughter. Add to that the trauma our bodies experience in this lifetime (including shit consensual sex).
My contention is that men haven’t fared much better. It’s pretty obvious to me that causing harm to other people ultimately harms you. Up until 1991 (when marital rape was criminalised in the UK) the law may have been on a man’s side when he claimed his conjugal rights, but if the woman’s body flinched and withdrew from his touch as she endured his claim, it would have been harmful to him at an energetic level if not consciously.
Further, however well intentioned and loving men are individually (and most truly, truly are), they have been raised in a society which for 5,000 plus years has sexually harmed women, often just by insisting that she “enjoy” unpleasurable (aka harmful) sex because that’s what God says is the “right” way.
The combination of fear in our minds – fear of shame, fear of sin, fear of harm, fear of failure, fear of pregnancy, fear of disease, fear of rejection, fear of laughter, fear of orgasm (le petit mort), even fear of death (le grand mort – for those of us who grew up in the shadow of HIV) – with the fear we carry in our bodies – the physical memory of trauma from this life, a past life or even inter-generational, creates an enormous block to intimacy in sex.
Fearful people cannot develop intimacy – a place of safety – within their own bodies, let alone anyone else’s. So sex becomes rushed, reluctant, functional, mechanical, predictable, dull, boring and fails to light up our bodies, or our relationships.
Intimacy is needed to experience good sex. Good sex is needed to develop intimacy.
The challenge for all of us – those in relationships and those looking for relationships – is how do we create intimacy so that we can love better?
How can we connect better?
How do we find belonging?
We all need to feel safe, to feel loved and to belong. But childhood trauma, inherited trauma and the collective trauma makes this very complicated for us.
Surely one incredibly important step we need to take to find the love, connection and belonging that we need is to identify our needs, wants and desires and then to communicate them to those closest to us in our lives, especially our relationship partner.
Humans evolved the most brilliant means of communication – it’s the reason our brains grew and the reason we created pretty much everything we have in our modern lives. Humans communicate through talk – words expressed by a mouth and heard by another’s ear. Talk literally evolved humans, so surely communication through talk should be easy in our relationships?
I’m very struck by the silence men are reared to conform to. In England it’s long been called the “Stiff upper lip” and it’s revered as one of the most essential of English qualities. We send our boys off to boarding schools, sometimes at incredibly young ages, separating them from the warm, chatty women in their lives in order to instill this omertà.
It’s not only English men who are stripped of that most essential of human traits – the ability to communicate by talking with others and raised to bear it all in silence. It seems to me, to some extent or another, silence in men is highly valued across the western world as a sign of masculinity.
Omertà, staying quiet, not saying out loud how you feel, not asking for help, not feeling or showing any vulnerability is both highly prized by patriarchy and immensely damaging to men who suffer in silence and alone in their millions.
The suicide rate for men in the UK is almost 3 times higher than it is in women, coping alone, not feeling and sharing their feelings, not talking, not asking for their needs to be met has an enormous toll on our men. This should trouble everyone. It certainly troubles this whore.
As many women know, and all whores know, men DO talk and they’re capable of sharing deep truths when they feel safe. Men need safety and intimacy just as much as women do.
What does a man need to feel safe? Again, whores know this.
They need physical, sensual, sexual touch. They need to be held close and feel physically held and loved.
Fucking really, really, really helps a man to talk and to cry – there is something deeply healing for a man about feeling his penis held inside a vagina (I suspect this is partly about returning to the safety and unconditional love he last felt when he was inside the womb).
Esther Perel theorises (from a career spent working with couples) that whilst women need to talk in order to feel safe enough to fuck, men need to fuck in order to feel safe enough to talk.
This is fine when you are in a well functioning relationship and learn to do enough of both to satisfy both parties. But how do you get your floundering relationship back on track when you need the opposite things to feel safe enough to re-build intimacy between you?
Currently, in a society which believes in the binary nature of gender and uses biology to prove that we are different “by nature” rather than 1,000s of years of patriarchal indoctrination, I don’t see much hope for deep intimacy in most monogamous marital bedrooms. I just don’t.
There’s a chasm between men who need/want sex and women who need/want talk in order to feel safe enough to give the other one what they need to feel safe. Resulting in an ever growing lack of safety in our relationships.
Lacking the intimacy we need, most of us fail to articulate our needs, desires and wants but still expect them to be met. We look to our relationship partners to heal the childhood wounding we brought into the relationship with us even when, most often, we are unaware of the wounding we are carrying.
We feel hurt, angry and upset when our partners fail to meet our (unacknowledged and unarticulated) needs and express ourselves clearly in tears, tantrums and fights, but, lacking intimacy, we never manage to dig deep enough to understand the underlying wounding.
We get stuck in a negative spiral of unmet needs leading to emotional tempestuousness creating an unsafe environment in which we cannot learn about, let alone express, our deeply held unmet needs.
We have all been in at least one relationship like this. The lucky ones find good quality help to break the cycle. The unlucky ones continue to suffer and pass the trauma down another generation and most likely spiral through a few relationships in exactly the same way before declaring they have “Given up on men/women (delete as appropriate).”
Maybe this is why, when whores worked in the temples, women – wives, mothers, sisters, cousins – took their men to the temple whores to “Have the war taken out of them” ?
I genuinely don’t know whether men and women need different things to feel safe because of biology or socialisation. What I do know is that men currently feel very unsafe and it shows up in all sorts of toxic and aggressive ways.
So much better for them to visit a whore – like someone with a bad back visits a chiropractor – to help them heal the pain within. Sadly, as much as men crave to feel loved, held, nurtured and cared for, if they’re not lucky enough to have this in their relationship, they don’t have a safe place to go.
Downgrading the once revered position of the temple whore to the denigrated prostitute has (purposefully?) not created a safe, healing space for our men. Far too many men have reached for a moment of connection only to have gained themselves months, if not years of shame.
Dis-empowered prostitutes can’t keep their clients safe. They can’t hold space, they can’t define their terms, their hours, their way of working – which obviously harms them but it also harms the men who visit them.
When wives, exhausted by long days of caring for young children or from climbing up the corporate ladder, or whilst dealing with the upheaval of menopause can’t reach their once beloved partners but want to help them feel good about themselves again, who can they take their men to with deep confidence?
Heck, who can these women go to themselves to reconnect to the pleasure of their orgasm?
I am a whore and I am also a wife. I want my husband to thrive and I want our relationship to thrive because I want to live inside a thriving life! Despite my whore’s skills, understanding and knowledge I find it difficult to always be the person my husband needs and when our needs conflict we can easily spiral.
Fortunately we have worked together for over a decade to learn how to reverse the spiral quickly, but I know what it feels like. I know how anger and resentment builds a wall between us that at least one of us has to use significant energy to scale or demolish. I know how quickly a misspoken word leads to sleeping in separate beds, hard faces and words being replaced by grunts.
I know the pain of loneliness inside a relationship that is no longer intimate.
This is where modern whores can be of service as our predecessors in the temple were. We can be a dispassionate third party with infinite love, compassion, tenderness, magic and sexual healing and act as a pattern disruptor in a spiralling relationship. Only one person in the relationship needs the energy to scale or demolish the wall that blocks intimacy. Whores can reconnect that one person to their energy, their light and their love.
Renewed men can then return home to their tired, angry, lonely, sad, frightened (and “frigid”) wives and show them how loved they are. Renewed men can take on the divine masculine role of holding their wives and giving them the love that they so desperately need. As Otis Reading sang:
“Oh she may be weary
And young girls they do get weary
Wearing that same old shaggy dress
But when she gets weary
Try a little tenderness….”
Intimacy is created in a space that is free from fear. Men and women alike desire and need intimacy to flourish and thrive. Maintaining intimacy is a challenging and constant job – like carrying grey water from my kitchen sink and showers out to my garden through the long, hot and very dry summer of 2026. It’s hard, if not impossible to do it on your own. But relationships, like gardens, will die if they are not watered.
The temple priestesses restored men to their true power. They helped them to be better fathers, lovers, sons, husbands. I truly believe that when enough prostitutes say “ENOUGH” at being downtrodden and despised and instead declare, “I AM A WHORE AND I AM PROUD!!” we will be able to activate immense healing in relationships on this planet. Healed relationships raise happier children who do not find themselves repeating the toxic relationship pattern in adulthood.
Yep, I said that, whores help you raise happier children!
A whore’s healing power is temporarily in her hands and in her cunt, but truly, it’s what her knowledge and skills reconnect her clients to – a safe, sacred space and energy within their own bodies because, ultimately intimacy is an inside job.
We re-connect with ourselves first and from there we reconnect with our partners. The whore reconnects people to the divine light and love that is within them – has always been within them – but has been dimmed by so many years living in a toxic society.
When a client drives away from my house they don’t leave filled with shame and regret. They leave feeling renewed, feeling seen, feeling loved. None of this is an illusion, it’s all truth. I do see them – their unique essence, their divine beauty. I interact with their energy. I connect with their soul.
I truly hope that my married clients return to their homes feeling healthier, happier and able to give their spouses the love and attention they desire and need. I am aware most wives don’t know about me and that they’d be furious if they found out.
But I’m not their competition or enemy, I am actually, not only helping their marriage stay together, I am also quietly coaching their husbands on how to show up more for their wives, to sit and listen as she talks about the children, her day, what Doris next door has just done. To be present for her and her need to talk and be properly listened to so that she is drawn back into intimacy with him.
If wives don’t want to fuck their husbands to help them feel safe enough to talk then allow me to do the honour! And I do consider it an honour. We could work together so well if only they’d open their hearts and minds to the possibilities.
I hope that my blog posts help to shift perceptions to make this happen. But until such a miracle occurs I’ll continue to do my bit and send my clients home with a big smile on their faces and renewed intent to buy some flowers, make eye contact, ask generously, “How was your day darling?” and remember to put his underwear in the laundry basket.
Does it matter how a home becomes more harmonious?
Does it matter who helps a couple to find safety with each other again?
If a whore (working in the shadows until she is welcomed back into the light) has the skills to help rebuild loving intimacy in a relationship shouldn’t we celebrate her rather than feel threatened by her?
Everyone in society gains when whores are restored to their rightful place – honoured and revered sexual shaman who’s healing work with men and women frees them from fears and rebuilds intimacy in their bodies and relationships.
Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash
Recommended Further Reading:
“Odd Man Out – Breaking the Vow of Male Silence” by Nige Atkinson
“Mating in Captivity – How to Keep Desire Alive in Long-Term Relationships” By Esther Perel
“Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples” By Harville Hendrix
