Connecting To My Magnificence – I Receive a Yoni Massage

I wasn’t sure what to expect, I had followed my intuition when booking my session and, of course, my mind found endless ways to sow seeds of doubt and make me feel anxious. So, by the time I found myself heading to The Temple of Avalon in Glastonbury for my first ever yoni massage I was genuinely quite nervous.

I am very, very, very used to taking my clothes off with men and women when I am in professional mode, but I wasn’t in professional mode, I was on holiday in the West Country – I was me, the civilian, an ordinary middle-aged woman mooching around the shops and cafes. No-one would look at me and see Anabelle.

That was the point of receiving this massage. To show up as ME. Feeling vulnerable, nervous and unsure, willing to receive, surrender, allow. To do as I coach my clients to do – to drop into the experience to fully experience the experience.

I knew I would be tempted to analyse and even critique the massage I was being given which I also knew would lessen the experience for me. My greatest worry was that I would stay in my head with an inner narration instead of fully dropping into and feeling the sensation of energy building and moving in my body.

Like my clients I had invested substantially in the session. Not just the cost to the wonderful soul who was giving me the massage, but also in the time away from my own work, family and home, the cost of travel and an overnight stay, meals out etc etc. I knew that resisting sensation by staying in my head would be a considerable waste of money.

So it was with great relief that I heard her open the session with similar words to the ones I use in my meditation: “Close your eyes, connect with your breath, allow your body to relax, feel into your relaxing body, relax on the exhale, breathe into your heart, into your belly, down into your yoni.”

She asked me to connect to my intention for the session and I heard my body reply – to surrender and receive.

The space she works in is very different to the space I work in. We started the session with me seated, blindfolded, undressed to my knickers, in a high-backed arm chair and as I connected to my breath and body, she bathed my feet in warm rose infused water.

Her wet hands stroked my legs with a light, delicate touch which I found deeply honouring. As my lower legs and feet began to tingle in response to her, I heard her say, “This water cleanses your body.”

It felt cleansing, it felt purifying. And this, I think, was her tantric ritual – to cleanse a body of shame or anything else that could come between me and my full experience.

Cleansed, she removed my feet from the warm water, patted them gently with a towel and stood up to stroke my upper body. I asked her afterwards what she had used and she showed me a bunch of ostrich feathers which she had arranged as a fan in her hands. It felt incredible, lighting up my torso, arms and neck. I tried to stay connected to my breath but it was hard to remember to breathe.

As she stroked my body, I heard her soft voice saying, “I see your beauty. I see your strength. I see your wisdom. I see your power.” The words whirled around in my mind and my body mixing with the sensations the feathers were activating, welcome now in my cleansed being.

When I had booked the session, I had warned her that I have a tendency to ejaculate which she had said was no problem, but I was still sitting on an unprotected chair in only a pair of thin knickers. I could feel my body’s slight resistance to fall fully into the sensations I was experiencing for worry of letting go – literally.

Fortunately, she asked me to stand up. Still blindfolded she guided me to towards the massage table, stroked my body some more and removed my knickers. Then taking off the blindfold, she asked me to lie face down. I had booked an indulgent two-hour session – I wanted to feel her hands on all of my body for an extended period of time so that I would have an expanded experience.

And it was incredible.

She had asked when I arrived if I preferred a soft or a hard touch. I had replied, maybe unhelpfully, but completely truthfully, both. And that is what she gave me.

At times the firmness of her arms pressing into my buttocks and thighs made me gasp. At other times her touch was light and feathery making my skin tingle and smile – especially when she traced her long nails over me.  My skin was humming and I could feel the energy surging around my body.

She used liberal amounts of very warm oil and it was WONDERFUL. To my long-suffering clients, I apologise! I have robbed you of this sensory delight for too long. The situation has been rectified, by the time this blog is posted I will have bought a baby bottle warmer so that my oil is as deliciously warm as hers was.

It didn’t take long for my body to move from relaxed and pleasured to orgasmic. My first orgasm was triggered by an unusual experience for me – she breathed hot air onto my skin (was she a dragon? It felt like it!) My response was both immediate and dramatic – as if I needed my amrita to flow to quell the flames her breath had ignited (a whole new take on St George killing the dragon!)

I am used to feeling my energy flow early in sessions when I am activating a client but I had always thought I was feeling their energy moving through me (maybe I am?) For some reason I didn’t expect to orgasm before my breasts or cunt were touched. Yet here I was experiencing waves of orgasm in my body as I lay on my front during a leg massage.

The lady giving me the massage has been working in tantra for 16 years. Her body is activated and lit. Her breath was fire. My body responded accordingly. At times I stopped breathing – there was too much to feel to remember to breathe. And she did what I do, she either used words to remind me to exhale and let go or she simply did a long, slow, loud exhale herself. Once when she did this, I nearly laughed with the joy of being with another me.

When she asked me to roll over I almost couldn’t. I was so relaxed I didn’t quite know how to make my muscles respond to her invitation. My breasts, belly and cunt were yearning to feel her touch but my back and legs didn’t want to let go of her hands. My whole body wanted her all at the same time. Is it possible for parts of your body to have sibling rivalry?

The formula of a tantric massage is to first massage your client’s back to relax them. Then the front of their body to begin to activate them and finally the lingam/yoni to further energise them towards eventual orgasm. When I rolled over after the back massage my body was relaxed, activated and energised – proving our entire bodies are sexual.

Our skin is our largest sex organ and receiving a full-bodied yoni massage reminded me that I am highly orgasmic in every cell of my being.

I managed to roll over without falling off the table, my muscles did in the end remember how to move my body safely! Her voice invited me to connect with my heart centre, I felt more warm oil flowing over me and her hands began their magic on the front of my body.

Many years ago, I had a “full body massage” at a local spa. When I lay on my front there was a towel across my buttocks covering the whole area from my lower back to mid-thigh. When I lay on my back the towel went from above my breasts to mid-thigh. And this was sold as a “fully body massage”?! I left that session feeling robbed and deeply frustrated that my body had been partitioned into “touchable” and “untouchable”.

Today my body was gifted a fully integrated experience and she wept with joy. Hands moved around my breasts, flowed across my belly, swirling around her fulness, before sliding down my thighs. My WHOLE body was accepted, appreciated, honoured, seen. The skin on every part of my body was tingling with delight. The feeling, for a woman – whose bodies are policed and judged by everyone our entire lives – was overwhelming.

Yes, I am touched, appreciated and honoured most days by my lovely clients AND this honouring was different in that my stillness and passivity was expected, allowed, even encouraged and my whole body was equally revered, I had no sense ever that my belly was given brief attention before my cunt received the lion’s share of love and attention.

When she did move down to my yoni, my cunt, she did so seamlessly. Working around a massage table rather than on a bed meant that, initially anyway, she didn’t move to sit under my body as I do when I am working with my clients. Her hands continued to swirl around my belly and breasts as she rubbed my clitoris and vulva. The overwhelming feeling was of wholeness and connection. I felt, in the words of my first coach, “A healed, whole magnificent being.”

Having all of your body receiving sensual, sexual touch at the same time is not only honouring, it is also deeply healing and it does reconnect you to your magnificence. Your sexual self is magnificent! Feeling your body lit up with sexual energy, feeling vibrantly alive, activated, pulsating with pleasure is magnificent!

I think she climbed onto the end of the table at this point. I don’t know, my face was turned towards the sunshine coming in through the window on my left – I was dancing in the light, my favourite place to be. But I am sure I felt her hair on my body as she softly asked, “Would you like me to go inside?”

“Please” I replied, I hoped not “too” enthusiastically. My cunt was screaming for her. The long nails I had enjoyed stroking my back and limbs miraculously got tucked away when she allowed her fingers to be pulled inside me. I had trusted that she wouldn’t be careless – she’s a woman after all – but I have had clients whose nails have caused me enough discomfort to be concerned about how she would manage hers. Marvellously as it turned out.

My knees pulled up, my legs opened wider,  my body convulsed, at one point my upper body lifted up towards my knees. I so wanted to be held and kissed but this was a boundaried yoni massage so I lowered myself back onto the table to be held in the arms of the sun coming in through the window.

I was massively in love with this woman at this point. How can you not love the person that connects you to all of this without taking anything for herself? I lay exhausted back on the cotton and paper towels that massage tables are always covered with and just felt it all. She wasn’t finished with me. The fingers of one hand pushed into me deeper and deeper whilst the palm of her other hand rubbed my pubic mound and clitoris. The intensity was incredible.

I completely lost track of time, pleasure had taken me into a timeless, infinite space, I was fully surrendered and just accepting the orgasmic pleasure she was giving me. When the session came to an end, she gently removed her fingers from my cunt and, honouring the place she had taken my body to, briefly placed her hands on my vulva and heart chakra. Then she covered me with a towel so that I could lie and fully integrate the experience.

Unlike many of my clients who seem deeply discomforted by this opportunity and literally bounce off the bed to have a shower the moment they come, I allowed myself to lie in the sunlight, my body dancing – filled with light – in the light, lost in sensation, lost in the energy of orgasm. The affirmations, “I see your beauty, I see your strength, I see your wisdom, I see your power” were swirling around in my body/mind. Her words whirled around with my body’s sensations and orgasmic energy – creating an alchemical mix in my cunty witch’s cauldron.

I spent what felt like ages in this magical post orgasmic space and I needed her voice to pull me back into the room. The first words I said were, “WOW. That was beyond words.” And I laughed because I have been on the receiving end of these words so often.

My body felt so light, vibrating and humming, fizzing with delight and joy, connection, presence, light and love.

As I dressed, we talked a bit about our journeys into the work that we do now and we agreed that we find it completely remarkable that other people hear about this world – this access to energy, pleasure and sensation – and don’t fall headlong into it.

Why would anyone deny themselves this pleasure, this presence, this connection, this magnificence?

 

Photo by Eric Wang on Unsplash