As anyone who has worked with me will tell you, I have a lousy memory, so it’s not very surprising that I don’t remember much about my first session with R. Two things have stayed with me. The first is that he arrived highly anxious about security and privacy, needing lots of reassurance that he was safe in my home and with me.  The second is that he absolutely loved my breasts and was slightly overwhelmed that he was allowed to touch them.

 

His love of my boobs was very charming and a bit difficult for him. Starved of boob pleasure in his marriage he used to bury his face in my breasts and shortly afterwards he would come. Sometimes this was within the first 15-20 minutes. The combination of excitement and nerves was too much for his highly sensitive cock and he would go from 0 to an explosive 10 in seconds.

 

He shared with me that his habit of ejaculating “prematurely” irritated his wife, her irritation then fuelled his feelings of shame, failure, disappointment and anxiety around his cock behaving in such a disappointing and non-conformist manner. 

 

I use the term “non-conformist” because I hate the term “sexual dysfunction.” I am frustrated by how many people believe that they are in some way sexually “dysfunctional” simply because their sexuality doesn’t conform to expected norms first laid out by the patriarchs and more recently reinforced by sexologists’ “scientific” studies. 

 

We have obediently followed the patriarchs’ model of sex for about 5,000 years of our 300,000 years of human existence, but that doesn’t change the fundamental fact that it IS only a model, that it’s not the only model and in no way is it “natural.” 

 

I would argue that 20th Century sexologists made sex a lot harder for a lot of people by trying to weave female pleasure into a model that had previously always disregarded female pleasure. (In fact, it was created to shut down female sexual pleasure.)

 

In the patriarchs’ model of sex, men were expected to (i) get an erection in response to sexual stimulus (ii) enter the woman and fuck her until he came, filling her body with seed to breed the next generation. Women were expected to comply – by whatever means necessary. 

 

Sexologists amended this model but that is all it is, an amendment, not a challenge or an alternative to the patriarchal model. 

 

Enlightened modern men are now expected to (i) get an erection in response to sexual stimulus (ii) maintain that erection through “foreplay” required to arouse the woman and make her wet and then (iii) maintain that erection whilst fucking her long enough for her to come before he does, so proving that he is both a proper man and a modern gent. Women are expected to get wet quickly enough for a man to use his erection to penetrate her before he ejaculates or loses his erection. 

 

In the patriarchal model of sex, correct erection function is required to prove your manhood. When your erection fails you in any of the above, patriarchal conditioning tells you that you are less of a man. If your woman fails to arouse step (i) or get wet enough in step (ii) or come before you in step (iii) YOU are also less of a man.

 

That is A LOT of pressure on one man and his sensitive cock. The pressure of this model and the implications it has on masculinity can be summed up thus: 

 

Big, strong erection = masculine. 

 

Hesitant, weak, fleeting erection (for whatever reason) = not masculine. 

 

Sexologists rush in with impressive sounding terms to explain this loss of masculinity. Terms like “erectile dysfunction” and “premature ejaculation” sound like clinical, medical terms but in truth they are another example of a health industry creating labels for so-called “dysfunctions” to make it easier for them to peddle their snake oil.

 

Create a problem, market the hell out of the problem and then sell an expensive solution be it some kind of pill or therapy. 

 

I’m not saying that there are not men who have difficulty sustaining erections or controlling their sexual energy. What I am saying is that both are completely normal responses in a body and that the “dysfunction” approach causes far more harm than it does good.

 

Here’s why – because whatever you give attention to will grow. 

 

As every parent of an upset child knows. 

 

If I have a splinter in my finger and think about it constantly the pain and distress in my finger will grow. If I put a plaster over the finger and kiss it better, not only will the pain decrease, but most often my body will sort out the problem for me.

 

It’s the same with a sexual “dysfunction.” The very worst thing for either ED or PE is to focus on it. If you enter into a sexual situation focussed on what could go wrong, you are pretty much certain to create all the wrong things you are worrying about. 

 

This was R’s sexual experience. He was terrified of irritating his wife further. He was terrified of disappointing her and receiving another eye roll, sigh or ear full. He dreaded the feelings of shame that followed each ejaculation that occurred, according to the rules of patriarchy, “too soon.” 

 

He felt unmanned by his non-conforming cock. I have no doubt that every failed sex session made the problem worse so that by the time he found his way to my door he ejaculated almost immediately.

 

His fears of what could go wrong guaranteed that they did go wrong because whatever you give your attention to will grow. 

 

And this is my issue with the health industry nodding along kindly to your concern that you have either ED or PE, they are feeding your attention and the more you feed a problem with your attention the more the problem will grow (which the health industry, designed to make profit, LOVES).

 

As a trainee teacher I learned that the secret to dealing with challenging behaviour in the classroom is to not give it attention. You ignore what you don’t want and you reward and praise what you DO want. It is a difficult practice and confusing to non-trained observers, but it works and in a classroom of 30 children you do what works, not what pleases untrained observers. 

 

Life as a whore uses the same skillset. I focus on, and reward, what I want (orgasmic pleasure for us both) and ignore any problem that shows up demanding attention and trying to disrupt my sessions. ED and PE are very demanding, they have their own egos. They are used to destroying my clients’ lives. Not with me they don’t. I don’t buy into their nonsense, I ignore them and focus my attention on pleasure and sensation.

 

And you can do more than just ignore the problem. You can regain control of your sex life by re-framing the problem as an opportunity. After all, wherever there is a problem there is always an opportunity (as the health industry who created this problem well knows!) 

 

My reframe takes your power back from the industry that persuaded you that your body is a problem and that in some way by being “deficient” your body proves that you aren’t a man enough man. What BS!!

 

My reframe is offered to anyone who is able to open their minds to an alternative way of understanding their body and of thinking about sex.

 

Ready?!

 

I see both ED and PE as invitations, and the man who has either as a lucky ticket winner – think Charlie’s Golden Ticket in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. 

 

The ticket, or the invitation, is to escape the narrow confines of a model of sex that is all about performance over pleasure, judgement over experience and programming over connection. 

 

I believe that ED or PE show up in a body that is saying “This does not work for me, I want to connect deeply on my terms, not perform someone else’s script.” ED and PE are the body’s way of saying “I want to experience more. More depth, more connection, more sensation, more pleasure…. MORE.”

 

Sadly, most men, highly conditioned by patriarchy into a narrow performative model of sex, misunderstand their bodies. So instead of hearing the invitation and standing holding their golden ticket with glee, they feel like failures, become dejected and think more and more about their “dysfunction” so that, in time, they become their “dysfunction.” 

 

Whatever you give your attention to will grow. 

 

Patriarchy’s version of masculinity is a very narrow version. It is muscular, it is strong, it is non emotional, it is competitive, it is performative. It is full of rules and “shoulds”. It was designed to separate men from women and men from their own inner divine selves. Patriarchal masculinity is a mask, or a costume, that boys are conditioned into from birth.

 

Beneath the mask lies the essence of the man. This is where you find divine masculine. You can absolutely connect to your divine masculine with a correctly functioning erection, but if you are proudly performing sex to prove (to yourself and others) what an awesome version of patriarchal man you are, then you are not going to connect either with your lover, or with your own inner divine masculine.

 

Macho patriarchal man is like the shell of a nut. It’s just a shell. The real nut is inside. My desire, my job and my joy is connecting to the nut, both for my pleasure, and to reconnect my client to his real nut – his divine masculine.

 

And my theory is that men who are already vulnerable and essentially “unmanned” or de-shelled by their “dysfunction” are offered a portal into their divine by the golden ticket of having non-conforming cocks.

 

But as with Charlie, you have to be willing to use the ticket. You have to say yes to the invitation. You have to be willing to let go of all that you have learnt about male sexuality during your life of patriarchal programming. 

 

The first thing you need to let go of is, of course, the hardest to let go of. You need to let go of your belief that you are some kind of failure or less of a man because you have a non-conformist cock. 

 

You need to update the “big, strong cock = masculine” formula with new information, new ideas and new ways of experiencing your body, mind and soul.This is what R and I have been doing together since his first session with me. 

 

When he first showed up at my door he was very nervous, highly anxious and scared of disappointing another woman and suffering her disapproval. His anxiety (and my boobs) meant he ejaculated quickly and almost without warning. He was already caught in a downward spiral of worrying about how his non-conformist cock was going to behave and so guaranteeing that it would explode “too soon”.

 

My first job was to be completely relaxed about when he ejaculated in the session. It wasn’t hard, I am, genuinely, very relaxed about when a client ejaculates. I can honestly say, as a woman, that I have never cared about when a man ejaculates.  Apart from the brief spell in my life when my first husband and I were making babies, I’ve always found male ejaculate to be a bit of a nuisance. 

 

As a whore I care about my clients experiencing orgasm and I have witnessed so many post ejaculation orgasms that I have deep confidence when I say men can experience much better sex after they come and have stopped worrying about when they are going to explode and “ruin things.”

 

My second job was to help him to relax into a sexual situation. Introducing meditation into our sessions really was a game changer. Just 10 minutes of a guided body meditation focussed on relaxation and connection to sensation in his body made the most enormous difference. 

 

Gone was the pressure to perform, he was too relaxed to care. When anxious thoughts bubbled up in his mind he learned how to breathe them out and allow his awareness to return to sensation in his body.

 

Over the months he received the same message from my words – he is a fragment of the Divine and as such is divine. I guided him to connect to his divine energy, his spark, his sexual energy in his whole body. The room was always filled with the scent of frankincense (scent of divine masculine) and the music helped my words to draw him into the physical sensation in his body 

 

So by the time I placed my hands on his back and began the massage he was deeply, deeply relaxed and floating amongst the stars. When you connect with yourself and your power in the quantum realm it is hard to care about whether you are conforming to some old men’s rules.

He loves, loves, loves feeling my breasts moving across his body. But in his highly relaxed state he is able to enjoy the sensation without climaxing. Climax needs tension, relaxed bodies simply don’t comply! I know when I massage his feet with first my hands and then my breasts that he will enter heaven. So I take an extra long time to get to his feet, to tease and build the anticipation in his body. 

 

Sensation, anticipation, frankincense, candlelight, soft music, touch – an erotic alchemy activating divine masculine in R’s body. Over the months he would ejaculate at various points during the session and it mattered less and less to him. 

 

As he became more connected to sensation in his body and his sense of himself as a diving lover grew he used the time and space he had with me to give himself pleasure by giving me pleasure. And because I don’t have an issue about when he comes, I am the lucky bloody woman who gets to experience the divine lover that R has always been. 

 

With permission to enjoy sex in a non-judgemental environment his confidence grew and the nervous man who seemed to always be apologising for being in my space and taking up my time is now a genuinely exciting and rewarding lover. 

 

Something lights up in him when he receives my touch. The shell cracks open and this beautiful, beautiful man emerges who delights in making my body sing. Most often this is after he has ejaculated and his cock has softened, but as you don’t need an erection to make a woman ride wave after wave of orgasm neither of us care. 

 

In our sex “foreplay” is meditation and massage and Anabelle’s orgasms are the “afterplay.” We have never ended our sex when one of us ejaculates, the idea is just ridiculous. We stay in the space we have created, lost in the pleasure of each other’s bodies and energies, normally until well after the end of the session because we genuinely lose track of time. 

 

Today was extra special because as wonderful as our sex is, we haven’t often managed to fuck. Usually as soon as he clocks me reaching for a condom his cock will over-react and that’s it, no chance of fucking. As you surely know by now, we have amazing sex, but I know how much he loves the idea of coming inside me, so I have long wanted to get it right for him.

 

When I asked him to roll over (about 45 minutes into the session) his cock was hard, not about to explode hard, but strongly erect. This is a huge change from the early days when there is no way he could have experienced so much bodily contact with my boobs and not come. I smiled with gratitude at his cock proving my theory – relax and focus on sensation in your body and the problem just goes away.

 

Whatever you give your attention to will grow and R has learned to give his attention to sensation growing in and moving around his body – so this grows. He has learned to move from his head (the source of worry, judgement and shame) into his body where he experiences his pleasure and his magnificence. 

 

Because I know R and his cock well, I tweaked the order of the massage. Instead of massaging the front of his body with the front of mine (which can get very hot and steamy very quickly) I chose to give him a careful lingam massage before an abandoned hot and steamy finale to the session.

 

I positioned myself, cross legged under his legs and took his lingam in my hands. Over the months R’s cock and I have become good friends and I am very fond of this beautiful part of my divine lover. It was deeply pleasurable and satisfying to give him a full 20 minute lingam massage using a range of different strokes, lovingly massaging his inner thighs, balls, perineum, root, shaft, frenulum and glans moving the energy activated around his whole body with my hands.

 

R was deeply relaxed at the other end of the bed. I could tell he was fully immersed in the experience. So when I reached the end of the 20 minute lingam massage, I planned my next move carefully. 

 

I slowly shifted my position to move up his body quietly reaching for a condom as I did so. The rustle of the condom packet alerted him and he began to stir. I really didn’t want his mind to intervene and spoil my finale, so as quickly as I could I tore open the wrapper, rolled the condom onto his erection and took him inside me. 

 

My nipples found their way into his fingers which he tweaked with just the right amount of pressure (oh the joy of connected bodies!) making the muscles of my cunt squeeze in gratitude around him as I gently rode him.  

 

R fulfilled his wish, he came inside me and it felt unbelievably triumphant. 

 

Between us we had managed the session perfectly. He had followed the instructions of my meditation, he’d relaxed and focussed all of his attention on sensation in his body. This enabled me to activate a huge amount of energy in his body and move it around so that it did not build up in his genitals and explode out of him in an uncontrolled manner. 

 

I bent over him and we kissed passionately as his cock softened inside me. I lifted myself off him to remove the condom without pulling away from his mouth and we lay in each other’s arms kissing, smiling and stroking each other. 

 

The energy remained strong and grew within me as he applied increasing pressure to my nipples and started fingering my cunt. He stroked my vulva, played with my clit and fed me one finger at a time until my cunt greedily pulled in his fist. Then he fucked me again as I exploded around him.

 

When R is in this space he is pure divine masculine. He devotes his sexual energy to giving me orgasmic pleasure. In doing this he has taken the pressure off himself to perform which ironically is what enables him to be the most incredible lover. 

 

I would like R to get himself a soapbox and go teach the men of the world how to make love to a woman. He won’t, he’s far too modest. Maybe my blog post will do the work for the both of us?

 

R is one of my many, many clients who come to me with “non-conformist” cocks. He is one story of many that I could tell of the truly incredible sessions I have with men when they accept the invitation of their golden ticket. 

 

Based on my actual experience (not theories written into books by people who don’t have a lot of sex with a wide variety of real people) I am confident in asserting that the patriarchal model of sex doesn’t work for many of us. Very, very few people have erections that function correctly within this rigid model, especially if you are doing more than paying lip service to female pleasure.

 

But when you change the way you experience sex, removing all pressure to perform, it changes everything. 

 

R and I had everything in our session today. We both orgasmed, we both connected to sensation in our own bodies, we both connected to the other’s sexual energy, we fucked, we relaxed, we laughed, we made love. We freed ourselves from a formulaic approach.

 

When you remove any hierarchy from sex, and free “foreplay” from the inconvenient bit you’re obliged to do before fucking, you experience so much more in your sex. THIS is the golden ticket! And this is why I think men with non-conformist cocks are the lucky ones – if they allow themselves the reframe.   

 

Great sex may include penetration but that is a very small part of what really good sex is – especially for most women. When you step away from the narrow script prescribed by the patriarchs and allow yourself to be playful, creative and devote yourself to pleasure over performance, amazing miracles happen.

 

When you experience the joy of sex as a path to experiencing energy moving in your body leading to full bodied orgasm (with or without ejaculation) it no longer matters what your cock is doing in any given moment. 

 

Erections are great fun, they truly are. And so are the “non-conformist” cocks who choose to do things a bit differently.

 

As a final thought, maybe my term “non-conformist” cock can be improved? 

 

What about “divine cocks”?

 

Divine cocks – portals to reconnecting to The Divine within yourself through which you become a divine lover.

 

Yep, that’s a good place to end this one.

 

Here’s to you R and your simply divine cock! 

 

Further Recommended Reading:

 

“Lingam Massage – Awakening Male Sexual Energy” by Jürgen Becker and Michaela Riedl

 

“The Multi-Orgasmic Man: Sexual Secrets Every Man Should Know” by Mantak Chia and Douglas Abrams Arava