What is sex for?

 

Why do we have sex? 

 

What do we get from sex? 

 

The answers really matter but I also know that few of us answer these questions freely. We are highly, highly conditioned to answer these questions in a particular way. 

 

We have lived within a patriarchal system for about 5,000 years of our 300,000 year existence as humans on this planet. While a tiny fragment of human evolution and history, it is still 5,000 years of humans interacting from a socially approved and controlled narrative of what sex is for. A narrative programmed into our minds and bodies for a specific desired outcome. That outcome includes compliance, obedience, control and ownership of the many by the few – sons for war and daughters to breed the next generation of workers, warriors and wives. 

 

Sex which had been primarily about pleasure during the earlier Goddess worshipping era was reduced to the prosaic function of reproduction in the God fearing patriarchal era.  

 

In God’s model, sex became all about erections. So much so that when I tell people that you don’t need erections to enjoy incredible sex, that men and women can have multi-orgasmic experiences without an erection, that often sex is more orgasmic without erections, I am met with blank stares on disbelieving faces – cognitive dissonance writ large. We have been told for 1,000s of years that erections are essential for sex, so this simply must be true. 

 

The obsession with erections inflicted huge damage to female sexuality. No longer experienced as portals to The Divine, no longer revered for creating life within, our highly sensitive, sensual, erotic bodies were reduced to mere fields in which Man would sow his seed by means of his erection. Female pleasure was not deemed necessary for passive female fields to receive this active male seed. All that was needed was male erections. The female role was reduced, and has remained so, to being attractive enough to trigger the all important erections.

 

Erection obsession also did huge damage to male sexuality. I absolutely love erections, possibly more than any other woman on the planet, but I see, day after day, in my work, what the pressure to have and maintain erections does to men. Making sex all about erections has, I would argue, made sex another stressful experience for everyone involved. Discomfort around soft cocks has separated us all, men and women, from our true sexuality and sexual pleasure.

 

Women fear soft cocks and this fear is communicated to their men who do not want to let their women down. You may well ask, “Why would women fear male softness?” The answer, sadly, is that it is primarily about our worthiness and desirability which, at a deep level, means our safety.  For as long as we incite erections in our men we are safe. Just ask Anne Boleyn what happens to women when our male provider and protector is no longer aroused by our charms. This runs very, very deep in us. Female desire has been shown to rise as we see evidence of our man’s desire for us. And how do we measure our man’s desire? By one thing, and one thing only, his growing bulge.

 

Oh, the pressure! 

 

To reassure a woman that she is valued, still desirable and safe you have to get hard. 

 

To reassure her all the way through the act of sex, including the careful time spent arousing her slower energy, you have to stay hard. 

 

Then on penetration, when your over excited cock wants to explode with pleasure, you have to hold back until she has already shown, in some way, that she has already come. 

 

I am a woman, my clitoral erection is too small to be detected by any but the most observant of lovers, but I feel this pressure and it pains me! Sex could be our route out of stress, out of the sympathetic nervous system into the healing calm of our parasympathetic nervous system. Instead we all run on a model of sex that adds more stress into our lives and keeps us stuck in fight, flight, fawn or freeze

 

So, I offer a re-frame on soft cocks: they represent the softness, the gentleness, and the tenderness in our men. Soft cocks crave to be seen and to be held – cradled gently in soft palms, kissed lightly by soft lips, nuzzled sensuously by soft cunts. When you have the honour of being with a man who is naked and soft, rather than averting your gaze, take a moment to smile lovingly at his vulnerable tenderness. In that one small moment you will have healed so much in him.

 

We all crave to be loved and accepted exactly as we are. Love (including sexual love) that is conditional on performance is, well, conditional love. It brings fear of rejection and abandonment into that most intimate of spaces – our sex lives, erecting barriers to truly deep intimacy. And it is completely unnecessary! We are unconsciously enacting a script handed to us by a frankly sex-phobic society! We could, instead, write our own script and enact that one.  

 

Let’s start by redefining “sex”.  For me sex is the space two (or more) bodies move into so that they can experience energy within and between them. In this way it is perfectly possible for me to have sex with my husband at a table surrounded by other people, whilst doing the washing up or walking along the beach. It is not the act that makes it sexual, it is the connection to and experience of sensation (energy) in the body that makes it “sex”.

 

Once you redefine sex as the experience of sensation, or energy, moving around and between bodies, it removes many of the barriers that have been erected by society towards feeling sexual. You no longer need to be naked to feel sexual. You no longer need to be in private to be “having sex”. You no longer have to set aside special time for sex. You no longer need an erection for sex.

 

Having the time, the space and the privacy to explore this energy with each other is delicious, but when you enjoy sexual energy within your body regardless, you become a sexual being again rather than a being who occasionally has sex. Life becomes sexual, by which I mean life becomes lighter, brighter, fizzier, more vibrant. You care less and less about doing to prove yourself worthy, and increasingly comfortable in yourself as a being who is worthy. 

 

And let me stress, you do not need an erection in the room to feel any of this. In fact erections make it complicated for men to connect with their sexual energy – obviously when they are in a public place, but also in private, erections need managing! Freed from the need to have an erection, men and women are able to connect within themselves and through themselves to the energy in their partner. You feel your energies connecting, combining, moving together, expanding together.  You move from the prosaic material realm into the quantum sexual realm. 

 

Orgasm is experienced in wave upon wave of bliss as energy expands and builds, moves and flows within and between bodies. Instead of building intensely in one area (the genitals) and then exploding outwards, it builds more gradually, and is consciously channelled, moved around the entire body for a full bodied, cell nourishing experience, sometimes with ejaculation, very often without. 

 

There is no pressure anywhere in any of this. It is kind, it is accepting, it is loving, it is exploratory, it is creative, it is playful, it is endlessly changing. Sex becomes the life that you lead rather than something you hope to connect to on a Sunday night if you have the time and all your parts work. Clients wonder how I am so sexual. It is because I am never not sexual! I interact with the world as a sexual being. Everything is more alive and more vibrant for me because I do so. And best of all, whilst I love erections, I am not relying on any to connect to my sexual energy.

 

Which is why soft cocks simply delight me. I do not experience them as a sense of failure. I experience them in the same way as I experience feet, or nipples, or lips – a body part that is sensitive and worthy of my love and respect. I love their velvety softness, I love their floppyness, I love that I can weave them in and out of my fingers and roll them around in my hands. 

 

I love experiencing pleasure from a man with a soft cock who is so focused on my pleasure that he hasn’t noticed if he is erect or not. Let’s face it, when you are pleasuring me with your fingers or tongue, why would either of us be concerned about how hard your cock is?! 

 

I love feeling orgasm expand in a man with a soft cock. I love watching his body pulsate as the energy moves through his torso, down his arms and his legs – just as energy moves through my body – expanding and growing, taking him on a dance with The Divine. I feel so honoured to witness this expansion in him. I feel so deeply connected to him as we play in all of this energy freed from the pressure to have and maintain an erection. 

 

Erections can make sex extraordinary. But the pressure around erections completely destroys sex for all involved. And I know what I am talking about! I have lost count of the number of times an incredible session has been derailed by my client noticing, and then fussing with, his softness. 

 

Sometimes it is during a lingam massage in which I purposefully soften cocks – distributing energy around the body – so that I can then intensify the pleasure I give the shaft, glans and frenulum. When my client surrenders to this and allows himself to stay connected to the sensation of energy building and moving through his body he will always have the most incredible orgasmic experience. Sadly a few will raise their heads, notice their softening cock and a look of anger and disapproval will spread across their previously relaxed and pleasured faces. 

 

This of course guarantees the poor thing will shrivel in my hands. It’s like standing next to a small child as a parent berates and shames them and I hate it. I will hold the “disappointing” cock in my hands and channel as much love as I can through my palms, but it is rarely enough – the cock, like the small child, wants its parent’s love and approval, not mine.

 

Sessions don’t often recover from this point. It always happens towards the end of the time they have paid for and whilst I am not a clock watcher and don’t ruthlessly end the session when the time is up, neither am I able to re-create the magic – that I have spent the previous 75 minutes building – from the destructive self sabotage of my judgmental client. 

 

It saddens me every time, but I am merely one whore working against a cultural narrative that is thousands of years old and believed by almost everyone on the planet. What can I possibly do in the remaining 15 minutes of a session to undo all of that?!

 

If I am allowed, I will use my voice to invite my client back into sensation. I will remind him to listen to the music, use his breath to relax and connect with the pleasurable sensations in his body. I will do my soft cock strokes and say over and over in my head and with my hands, “You are safe, you are loved, you are worthy.” Sometimes there will be a tentative hardening in response to my loving kindness, but with a client that is already angry and disappointed with his cock, this is never “hard or strong enough”. 

 

Very often my hands are brusquely pushed aside and an angry male hand will grab the vulnerable flesh and yank it repeatedly in a vain attempt to force it to ejaculate. This is as difficult to witness as a man squeezing the life out of a baby bird, and it never works. I am reminded of the Aesop fable, “The North Wind and The Sun” – The North Wind blew and blew with all his might to get a traveller to remove his cloak, yet however hard he blew he failed. The Sun succeeded by simply shining. As the traveller warmed he removed the cloak that had previously been tightly knotted around his neck. Loving presence, the warmth of the sun if you like, is always going to be more effective with erections than furious, angry action (whatever porn films show).

 

Erections thrive, like everything in our bodies, when we are relaxed, in the parasympathetic “rest and digest” mode. Stress kills erections as quickly with a whore as with a girlfriend or a wife. A whore may have more knowledge and skills, her hands may work magic on a daily basis, but we cannot compete with a man’s mind if he has decided that his cock is a failure and so, by extension, he is a failure. We are working against the mainstream cultural narrative that has always told men that a soft cock is a failure of masculinity.

 

Piffle!!

 

Soft cocks are a response to stress. Physical stress in the body (e.g. post operative, a build up of toxins, aging),  mental stress (e.g. loss of sovereignty in your life), emotional stress (e.g. an unhappy relationship, grief, old trauma) and spiritual stress (e.g. living out of alignment with your soul’s purpose). It is only in our warped society that “masculine” has become equated with not feeling or responding to these many stresses. And, obviously, as men push their feelings of stress down deeper and deeper within their psyche something is going to give. Personally I would rather have a soft cock than cancer, but hey, I’m just me. The point is that the body will keep the score. 

 

Erections are a very natural part of the human experience so the absence of one is a message. Responding to that message with fear, anger, disappointment, shaming, judgement, criticism, ridicule of the messenger increases the stress, perpetuates the problem and stops you from ever hearing the message. 

 

So much better to receive the message from the soft cock with open-minded curiosity and kindness. Hold him in your hands gently, like a most precious belonging (which he is) and ask him, “What’s up? What do you need to tell me?” And then listen for the answer. Give the messenger space to be heard and then listen. 

 

The answers may be inconvenient, like “My job sucks,” and you may not be able to take radical action, but you may find small ways to set some boundaries and reclaim some sovereignty in your “sucky job.” Ultimately we are all at choice, even when we choose to take no action we are making a choice. Learning to connect to and listen to our bodies helps us to make choices that are in alignment with our values and, ultimately, with our souls. 

 

Look – you now see your soft cock as a messenger from The Divine to help you get your life back in alignment with your soul – how’s that for a reframe! 

 

There are other ways in which my client fussing over his soft cock will derail a beautiful session. Very often I will have slid a condom onto a deliciously hard, pulsating cock only for it to shrivel in minutes. Condoms are stressful for cocks (and for this whore who still puts them on the wrong way!) In my experience very, very few cocks withstand a condom and yet when the cock softens it’s not infrequent for my clients to respond with anger and frustration, as if they have failed in some way. I wish men would talk honestly with each other – if you did, you’d all know, condoms kill all erections. 

 

If you want a lot of penetrative sex with a lot of people that is a problem.  But if you enjoy sex because of the build up and movement of energy in your body condoms are not necessary and, if they are briefly used and kill the erection, this doesn’t matter either. This whore responds to a condom-killed cock in a variety of ways. Sometimes I take the softness in my mouth to tease and coax him back to hardness, sometimes I manoeuvre my cunt over my client’s face so that he’s too busy tasting my juices to worry about his cock, sometimes I sit astride him, cock held by my labia inviting his hands back to my nipples so that he feels my juices rushing over his shaft and balls, sometimes I lie back on the bed and open my legs wide inviting him to pleasure me as he chooses. 

 

Always guided by my intuition, I will find ways to draw my client back into pleasure. If he is open to it. Most are. I have a powerful sexual energy and I have a knack of knowing what he wants. But a few of my clients are so distracted by their soft cock that they can never re-enter a sexy space with me. Instead of allowing himself to get drawn back into a sexual tornado, he goes through the motions, but he’s not really there. His softness has become an insurmountable obstacle to feeling pleasure.

 

An insurmountable obstacle is just that: insurmountable, so he doesn’t experience pleasure like he did before the condom unmanned him.  His cock, which has failed him, isn’t given the space to feel rising excitement and desire in response to my orgasmic energy. His body goes into lockdown. 

 

I am a highly skilled, highly sexual whore and, obviously, I am not emotionally involved with any of my clients so I don’t interpret my client’s rejection of his soft cock as a rejection of me, but I can well imagine how corrosive this is in relationships. Which is why when we find ourselves in this place, when I can’t excite my client into forgetting about his softness long enough for him to get hard again, I will instruct him to lie on his back and position myself between his legs for a lingam massage. 

 

In this place I can at least bring some healing to his cock. I can hold him and love him in his softness. Sometimes he will get hard and I can dance him to ejaculation. Very often he stays soft. And I make it very, very clear to both my client and his cock that I am completely comfortable with that. I accept you exactly as you are in this moment. To be seen and accepted, to be held and loved exactly as you are in this moment is probably my number one job as a whore. I am proud and deeply honoured to do it.

 

Another frequent cause of soft cocks is my client not being able to manage the intensity of the energy in the room. He walks in with highly charged energy, his erection a large bulge in his trousers. My energy is lit the minute my nipples are tweaked, which doesn’t take long in a Kama session, and my energy is very powerful. The combination is often too much for someone who doesn’t have sex as often as I do. It’s not at all uncommon for my client to have come within the first half hour for a 90 minute session.

 

You may think “What a waste!” On the contrary dear sir.

 

It is almost always the beginning of something incredible. Today was one of those occasions. He had come, filling a condom inside my arse almost upon penetration. We had met about 20 minutes earlier. He was ecstatic. He had ticked an item off his bucket list and lying back on the bed invited me to lie alongside him. We chatted a bit, my hand idly stroking his cock, welcoming his softness, and he asked me to tell him more about tantra. I told him a bit and he asked, “Show me.” So I did. 

 

Lying next to him on the bed in the calm, quiet place that a body goes into post ejaculation, I quietly mouthed the words of my body meditation. Because I was also in a post orgasmic state and lying next to him, the words landed deeply in my body and I guided us both into a beautiful trancy state. By the end I was tingling all over and dying to share my energy with him. I raised myself over his still body and started flowing my hands, my lips, my hair, my breasts and my labia over his body. His cock twitched. I felt it and smiled, I wasn’t surprised. We had both connected to energy deep inside our bodies during the meditation.

 

I offered my mouth to him to kiss but he didn’t respond as he had earlier, it was almost as if kissing me pulled him out of the place that my words and the music had taken him. I didn’t pursue this line of action, I made the choice to slide down his torso and turn this Kama session into a lingam massage. I didn’t expect or need his cock to harden, I just wanted to give this man pleasure like I was pretty sure he had never received before in his life. Sitting cross legged under his legs, taking his beautiful cock in my hands I began. 

 

He did get quite hard, especially in response to my fingers and palms sliding over his oily glans, but his energy never got close to the heat he had had on arrival. I wondered if he was going to ejaculate again and/or if I would feel the power of orgasm moving through his body as I have so many times. I didn’t. He lay very still. Motionless, silent and eyes closed. He could have been in a coma. It was the last song of the 90 minute session, I was pretty sure there was going to be no second ejaculation, so I moved my hands with the music and as the music died down, my hands slowed and I watched as his cock softened.

 

The room was completely quiet for a few moments between songs. In that moment he opened his eyes, and said, “WOW…..incredible….amazing…..That was so much better than normal sex!” 

 

He had never cared about whether or not he had an erection. He hadn’t set himself the performance criteria of a “second coming.” Instead, he had done something truly powerful, he had given himself permission to experience something different. He was interested in my world, the words I had chosen to use to describe it appealed to him and he wanted to taste it. So he did. And he had an experience “better than sex.”

 

I told him, “This is sex! Just a different way of doing sex.” And we both laughed. It had been an exquisitely beautiful experience for both of us. We had had an incredible time both with and without an erection – and this is the bit that is so critical – because neither of us made an erection a prerequisite to pleasure we were free to experience intense pleasure. 

 

My soft cock invitation to you is this – free yourself from pressure. 

 

If you are a woman, enjoy soft cock. Enjoy the feel in your hands, your mouth and even your cunt. Bring all of your awareness to pleasure, to sensation, to energy moving through your body. If an erection shows up, by all means enjoy him, but do not wait for an erection to give yourself permission to connect with your pleasure and sensation – your energy – moving around and between your bodies. 

 

And if you are a man, make peace with your softness. Spend time with your cock whilst he is soft – hold him, listen to him, forgive him, accept him, laugh with him, stroke him, honour him, pleasure him free of expectations. When he shows up during sex with your partner, don’t fail him by shaming him or getting angry with him, hold space both for him and for your partner’s fears. Voice your fears and encourage her to do the same and notice how when they are brought into the light they no longer feel as overwhelming and scary. Hold each other with tenderness. Allow your softness to soften both your hearts and feel how it draws you closer when you allow it. Allow yourself to be held and loved and accepted exactly as you are in this moment.

 

You are worthy. 

 

Dedicated to my beautiful friend and lover – Mr R Cloud – thank you.

 

Recommended further reading:

 

“The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel van der Kolk