The “Number One Rule” of Sex Work & Why I Ignore it
The text will say something like, “Can I ask you a question?”
To which I reply, “Of course :)”
“I hope I won’t offend you…”
“I am fairly unshockable, don’t worry!”
“Do you allow kissing?”
Every time I am asked this I spit out a mouthful of tea!
Given that my services involve full sex this is such a sweet, almost naive, question to be asked.
My answer, always, is that I cannot imagine doing this work without lots and lots of kissing!
I too have seen “Pretty Woman” plenty of times – I love, love, love both Julia Roberts and Richard Gere (he was my first big crush). So I also know that the “Number one rule of sex work is – don’t kiss your clients.” From memory, the premise of the film is that if you kiss your clients an emotional bond will be formed and that will become messy. Far better to stick to the commercial exchange of penetrative sex for money keeping any chance of connection away from the exchange.
In my 10 years of actually working with clients I could probably count on one hand the number of individuals who came for a connection-free experience. No-one wants sex without connection. Not me and certainly not my clients.
Human beings (as distinct from human doings) are hard-wired for connection. We crave deep physical, emotional and spiritual connection – it’s how we remember we are human and reconnect to our own humanity.
In a world that is rushing to turn us into ever more efficient robots, it is in the moments of deep connection with another human that we are nourished and are able to re-connect with our own soul, which is surely THE THING that distinguishes us from the robots they wish to turn us into?
In my opinion kissing is one of the foundations of sex. It’s highly erotic, highly arousing and best of all anyone can do it! There is no performance pressure for anyone around kissing, just lips connecting as hands gently stroke and explore. I could kiss for hours. And it’s really good for you too: the stimulation of the mouth’s nerves releases endorphins which reduces stress and leads you into a state of euphoria. I know I would rather kiss than meditate my way to low blood pressure!
Controversially (if you are of the “Pretty Woman” school of thought) kissing triggers the release of oxytocin, the bonding and love hormone, thus building emotional and physical bonding between the kissers and signalling to the body that this person is safe to have sex with. Removing kissing from sex workers would thus increase their body’s unease with the sex that they’re selling, turning a potentially beautiful experience into a more brutal and exploitative exchange. Western culture has a problematical relationship with sex workers – this is just one of the many ways it rears its ugly head.
I haven’t met a single client EVER who wants to exploit me or use me. I’m not saying that these kind of clients don’t exist, I just haven’t attracted them into my orbit. I meet people who are open and honest about craving connection – with me, with a power within themselves or sometimes with an energy/power beyond themselves – whatever type of connection is sought, the one constant is that they crave connection and kissing is the path to that connection.
When oxytocin flows through your body, you are not only connecting to the person you are with, you are also able to connect with yourself – with energy, emotions, sensations, feelings that you spend most of every day life unaware of. It is immensely powerful to slow down and spend time in a space where it is safe to connect again.
