Can Tantra Help with my “Sexual Dysfunction”?
The Joy of Soft Cock is the title of one of my yet-to-be-written books. This is only a short blog post, but it is the essence of me and my work, so I am going to try and condense my thinking and experience to under 1,000 words. Here goes….
I think I am going to start, right at the beginning, with the story of my first encounter with a soft cock. I was in my early 40s, passionately in love with a man I saw for only two nights a fortnight. As you will know by now, I am a highly sexual woman, and for twelve nights out of fourteen I was having no sex – so those two nights had to really count! I was younger and much more naive back then, and I thought sex could not happen without an erection. I also, subconsciously at least, believed that it was my responsibility to arouse a man to make him erect. If he desired me (because of my behaviour and/or my looks) then he would get an erection, and if he didn’t get an erection, that meant he didn’t desire me (because of my behaviour and/or my looks).
On one of my precious nights with my delicious lover, we were rolling about in bed, kissing, stroking, my hand moved down to his groin to delight in his throbbing manhood and was met by limp flesh. I was horrified. I froze in panic. Honestly, the thoughts running through my head were not, “Poor love, he must be tired or stressed, or both” they were,
“SHIT, he’s gone off me!!!”
“Have I farted?”
“Did I make it obvious that I was bored by his rugby story?”
“OMG, have I got a spot on my nose????!!!!”
Then something quite magical happened – maybe my current self visited my younger self and whispered some words of wisdom in her ears? I don’t know? But with divine timing, something did, because lying there in his arms, my hand still touching his flaccid phallus, I suddenly knew that his lack of erection was nothing whatsoever to do with me or his lack of desire for me. I knew how much he loved me and how much he enjoyed sex with me – he had told me often enough. I didn’t ask him about it; I decided instead not to make any issue out of it at all. I just stroked it, kissed him and ground my pelvis against his body. We were going to have sex with or without an erection!
As I took control of my freaked-out nervous system I stepped into a power within me that I had not connected with before. Sex was something I could initiate, and I didn’t need the permission or presence of an erection to initiate it. As I felt this power, or knowing, spread through my body, his limp cock stopped feeling alien and a bit repulsive and started to feel velvety soft and erotic. I realised I could hold it all in one hand, manoeuvre it around and play with it, squishing it, like Play-Doh, between my fingers in a way that I never could when handling a rigid erection. It was so much fun!
As I relaxed, so did he. The kissing did its usual magic, and we moved into some of the most intimate, beautiful sex that I had ever had. A few months later, I was at a funeral (of all places) when a fellow guest confided that he missed sex with his wife, but since his prostate op, he wasn’t able to meet her needs. I leaned in and said quietly, “You still have fingers, try those!”
Men and women both fear a lack of erection, and this fear gets in the way of them in the bedroom. If you remove the fear, you are able to go on to have outstandingly incredible sex again.
Men fear they will be judged for lack of performance and be deemed less manly or attractive. Women fear that, any day now, they will lose their man’s love and desire and that this will show up in the bedroom as a soft cock.
If you sat in a group of men and women and honestly talked about erections and the importance of them, you would hear women responding to the male fear around performance by saying, “Honey, the only performance that matters in the bedroom is how many times you make me come, you have fingers and a tongue, don’t you?” Likewise, the men would look at their women and say, “Sometimes I am tired or drunk or stressed (or even all three) and this impacts my ability to sustain an erection, but in no way does that reflect how I feel about you!”
Erections also do just get less strong as men age. But this isn’t matched by male desire for his (or other) women! To restrict sex to times when there is a strong erection in the room is like living in England and refusing to step outside when the sun isn’t shining. It’s maddeningly restrictive. England is glorious in all seasons, as are cocks!
Repeated stress around non-erection sadly gets compounded in some people. Sometimes it is a beloved who expresses irritation or impatience at the presence of a soft cock, thinking that their needs for love and intimacy now can’t be met. I would have been one of these women if I hadn’t been lucky enough to have a download of inspiration and wisdom in such perfect, divine timing. If you’re a woman reading this, please understand the power of your words, spoken and unspoken, to harm or heal your man’s erection.
Sometimes, probably even more often, it is an internal voice – the inner critic – that causes compounded stress. I had one wonderful, wonderful client who had managed, with the assistance of his inner critic, to give himself erectile dysfunction (ED) because he was so, so stressed about how his premature ejaculation (PE) was failing his wife. He showed up, wondering if I could fix his complex mix of ED and PE. I replied that I wasn’t going to promise to fix anything, but I could promise to introduce him to an approach to sexuality that would cast his “dysfunction” in a new light and could be a path to renewed sexual pleasure for both himself and his wife.
In sessions with me, he connected with his sexual energy inside his body, learning to expand and move it with breath and attention alone. He went on to develop a regular practice at home, both in bed and in the privacy of his own garden, in which he would have incredible orgasms without even touching himself. I’ll never forget the morning I woke to a message from him saying, “Anabelle, I had my first earth orgasm today! I was standing barefoot on the grass, feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin, doing the breathing and moving the energy and then boom – it just flooded through me! It was absolutely incredible!! I want to announce this to the whole world! Why isn’t everybody doing this?!”
Before I met him, I had been running with the theory that maybe a soft cock is a portal or invitation to connect with your sexual energy in a deeper way? Erections can be very demanding – they show up with much urgency and heat – they can be a bit more goal-oriented rather than experience-oriented. Soft cocks have none of this urgency; they make no demands. They appreciate being touched, stroked, licked, and sucked just as much as erect cocks do, but they don’t threaten to explode at any moment – you can take your time and feast on them! Thus, my theory was, when you aren’t being pestered by an erection, sex slows down, giving time for all parties to truly connect with the energy inside of their bodies, expanding and moving it with breath into fuller, richer, deeper orgasmic experiences.
My fabulous client confirmed my theory, especially with his message about his earth orgasm! I will happily say it loud and clear: your soft cock is not a “sexual dysfunction”. It is an opportunity, or a calling, to experience far deeper, more connected, more loving, more intimate AND MORE ORGASMIC SEX!!
I can confidently say that whilst tantric philosophy and practices may not give you a strong and/or long-lasting erection, they will give you indescribably good sex!
